| Ok this is really my last update.... |
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| 07:32pm 09/11/2005 |
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Hey you. Yes. You. Friend. Enemy. Stranger.
Reply to this entry on a whim.
You can say anything about anything.
Me. You. Him. Her. Them.
Envy. Passion. Hate. Love. Fear.
Secrets. Confessions. Stories. Ideas.
Facts. Myths. Legends.
A N Y T H I N G.
Post anonymously. |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| FUCker OFF |
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| 04:55am 17/10/2005 |
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mood:  calm
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So...Its offical....Ive decided that my thoughts are to precious to be wasted of the deaf. You can say alot without saying anthing at all... If you want to read my thoughts or care about my life then cool...comment to be added. Otherwise dont bother if your not going to read or comment/contribute...its jsut crap and silly wasting your time and mine. lol My real friends can comment and Ill add you to my new journal but for now this journal is going to stop being written in. ::smiles::
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Read 10 - Post |
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| You become your own skeleton... |
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| 08:59pm 15/10/2005 |
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mood: grateful
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Loving someone is such a risk.... and I dont want to feel this anymore. Its not worth it.
Night is fast replacing morning, not the worst time for me. Everything seems too excsessive, too intense or important. Wasent sleeping much, not at all. Suddenly not sleeping at all. Unable to close my eyes, body too tense; brain seethed from the night before untill morning. Robbed of my only safe house...like its sane there anyways. But still it was my only way of sane. Awake a consept I havent fully grasped yet, As if dragging myself on the god damn ground from place to place was truly awake. Yet it is this way, because hey Im functioning...Im tired, all the time now it seems. When I think about leaving, thats when I get more tired, thats why I need more sleep. But things arnt that bad, not yet. There are still methods that work. They say I have some hidden talents? Yet for me its hard to imagine this gritty girl, an empty girl; with any hidden talent. I dont give a damn anymore...If it hurts let it hurt! The things which hurt instruct, Im immune.....?
...So Ive been writing alot...sheesh:
Voices one cant hear will never be forgotten
Sounds that cant be seen cannot be reconized
Traces never searched will be the one not fallowed
Hunger gone unnoticed leads to certian death
Pain that wont let go can only mean my sorrow
A trust always broken can always see my mind
My secrets never told will lead to my destruction
The voices I can only hear
Are Screaming
Its creeping back inside of me, exploding ... blazing and for a moment I open up and can see every horror so clearly. Its like water...I’m wet...drowning. For the first...second, I’ve lost count. Every time a new definition of pain, resentment, intoxication. A fascination of anguish only described in the screams that echo from the darkness. I have found hell in these moments.
I’m sick to my stomach, sick of this shit, and sick of the way I live. I can breath and can’t stop this feeling within my head. I did go back to sleep for days: not move, not eat, not dream; maybe not even be. I seriously couldn’t take the lying, I seriously gave up on trying, I seriously couldn’t take the shit; Congratulations I’m officially whipped. My dreams are haunted, my sight is screwed, my lips are burnt and partly because of you. My insides are squirming outsides turning; I need to be by myself. Just a moment to find a place to rest, the place which tries to kill itself. How is it all supposed to work? Like are you supposed to know it all and then battle with the weight of knowing? Or rather are you supposed to go through life blind and try hard, with no guidance, not to fall into a trap? I can never go back.
"When I feel your touch...when I kiss your lips...My mind is free to think" "when your hand slaps down and your eyes start to shift I realize my reality and I step away from your kiss"
Im ok (trust me) |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| In the darkness you will find...a way to leave your world behind |
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| 03:04am 11/10/2005 |
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mood:  anxious music: fall out boys
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I cant explain this weekend at all...Fucked up shit...fun shit...I guess I had fun ::smiles:: there were moments man. I missed alice im glad shes back and she and larsen had a blast. Place was clean when she got back. I fucking lost rowan her cat for 2 and a half days...fucking scared me so bad. I thought I was going to die, even went to check the neighbors. S-I-G-H but she was found so I could breath *thanks josh* Anywas so it went for good to great to bad to worse over the days but I survived the puke the stuid drunk girls the sex the fights the lack of cigerettes the girlfriends the kiss(es) the lost and found the lack of beer the robberys and the hookups so woohoo. Made some new friends and saw some old ones it was a blast but Im so glad its over. Even had Rob and me and Sean...family in a party situation, psh as weird as drinking with my dad man. Anyways so other then that I really cant describe how fucking crazed it was. I have bite marks *keith* and brusies and hickeys and one hell of a head ache lol some day my body will pay me back for this.
( Hell has frozen Over )
Sunday had no pictures...it was a shitty nite that I wont forgot so soon but it was lame and my head hurts just ranting about it. It was just too long and too many. Plus the camera died and chrissy took the comp cords...she took my mothers celphone charger too teach me and her a lesson lol SIGH! So no pictures for that day but it blew big time so w.e. We drank more and then cleaned The End. Thanks for the help cleaning to my boys xoxo, love you much. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| this is almost touching what beauty is |
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| 02:26pm 07/10/2005 |
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mood:  drained music: Doors
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I would rather fight with you e v e r y d a y then make "love" to a million men
So with electical tape and alot of irratation for the moment my camera functions...how long thatll last? well till the batteries die ha then Im fucked. Chrissy is now saying I snaped my own camera... S-I-G-H is all Ive gata say. Alice is going away for the weekend. I get the apartment to myself lol. Should be nice to get away from it...its getting rough at home, if i could call it that. I want to call it that. So if anyone wants to come chill let me know ::Smiles::. So working hard all the time now is well haha hard but Im likeing the change in it. But yey Ill be seeing leafy soon so im excited! Ill be taking off fer that teehee. Discovering and things and people...some things/people change....some people/things dont. Ill be moving on by the time they realize it. First ime in a while I can honestly say Im proud of myse;f. but Ill be fighting this darkness as hard as I can...I cant go back, I wont.
"what its like to be alone and every thing cold but you look to the moon to find that man to give you comfort...to realize that even the man in the moon has shund you, but you keep on looking up, cas your friend is always there to make sure you do" |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| 06:57pm 05/10/2005 |
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mood: calm music: Monsters on the couch
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Sometimes when it gets dark and the stars are lit with stars...Im sitting waiting and lonley. I have alot of friends, and alot of good friends...so then why cry myself to sleep. Why feel so dark, I fear how dark I have become...my outlook remains hopfully for something , anything to make this feel a little better. But everytime it gets dark I remember...and I feel it Last night was one of these nights I speak of...I sat alone and drank and watched space and time linger in the same spot for a while. Its not so much that I am so unhappy that it can never be rectified (or at least i hope not) its just that one thing after another seems to protest the reflections in my eyes.
Chrissy broke the only material possesion that ment anything to me, my camera. I dont know what to do about her anymore..Im trapped and no matter what I still want to help her...I think I have to leave. My tears have dried up and For all its worth...Ill feel everything, and sucumb to this dark. But I wanted to live for the moment...maybe I will again.
( Let it Go )
We all have a dark side... |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Such a Beautiful Disaster |
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| 06:02pm 02/10/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative music: assasin
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I'm better off everyday
When i'm standing in the pouring rain, I dont mind...most of the time.
The gates have all been sealed, the keys thrown away
I'm composed of the broken hearts around me
I've drawn blood until the souls lost faith
.....They wished upon every unspoken word
:¨·.·¨:
`·.·´ So Birthdays and parties this weekend, absolutly lovely. Pictures and stories later as soon as I shower all this off me...a nice warm shower will do me good after this weekend.
Happy Birthday Rob...Love you. Freaking 20...Wheres time go...::smiles::
...haha a shower and food later here are the pictures.
LATER
( Berto Party )
Best time ever really I had so much damn fun...Im getting to realize that I dont need the approval of other friends I thought I had, I have really good friends in general right now. If anything Highschool weeded out some not so good ones I guess. Why am I trying so hard to be happy? I jsut want to know what it feels like for a moment...is that silly? |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| And I hallow out my insides to place you in... |
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| 01:51pm 30/09/2005 |
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mood: grateful music: BLaddity blah blah
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Its becoming steady more beautiful out everywhere I look...My mind is clouding but my eyes are clear. After the storm remnise I walked and drove *shh* around and realized how amazing it is sometimes...to just watch in silence. You should try it some time...jsut watch and wait...it can be pretty wonderful. In all the misguided understanding you can find a place to jsut rest and grip onto this reality that seems so damamging sometimes. To take a breath and have it really feel like a breath of fresh air...but then I light up a cigerette to the real world, and choke.
( Choke ) |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| I believe in the stars and headlights of angels....crashing and burning in the darkness of times |
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| 03:00pm 29/09/2005 |
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mood: content
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"life is a banquet and most damned fools are starving to death."
So Saw some ladies and we had a blast doing nothing haha then Dylans borthday which was alot of fun...weird having my whole family in one place...like a dream. The got along too ha, how long will that last?
So on my latest ranting thought... I have not been understanding what the hell is wrong with people. Love being in love is one thing...then you feel the need to display it everywhere, away messages, journal entrys, profiles...like dont you think we got the point? Does everyone really feel the need to prove their love? Not in the brave way but in the disgusting look at me he/she really loves me way. or is it rather that they just cant find a way to just be happy w.o feeling the need to boast about there findings. Look I have a heart in my profile arnt I special? Get a grip...whats the point in cheaping your feelings like that, to prove a point that your shallow enough to display feelings like its your world. Like you life ends with them and also proving that you a two year old who feels best when throwing relationships to the whim of "profiles". You in love? stop putting it everywhere, being in it shopuld be enough people. The distant removale of any real meaning to the words...words arnt enough, wheres the action? Wheres the meaning people sheesh.
( Birthday Run )
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DYLAN
So should see ladies again later today then hopfully to alices to clean madly bwhaha lol. W.e thats life, End. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| How ironic? |
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| 06:56pm 28/09/2005 |
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mood:  crushed
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So um Dylans birthday...waiting on people? Later Days |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| One day youll see me again,The seething white regret of shame splatterd on your face will be enough |
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| 11:36pm 27/09/2005 |
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mood: complacent music: Sheryl crow
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Work yey got a new better job that pays better double yey! Talking with alice about moving in there soon. My own place with my own life...collage in january for Social work/Psych... Ill have my car by then as well as the cash to produce gas and such. Meaning I can get the third job as Andrew personal assistant ::joy:: pays even better, and Ill really be able to effect some change with him I hope.
Anyways I feel awful emotionally...dark and lonley, scared ofw hat comes next. I feel like Im running from somthing...I jsut wish I knew what. Watching friends Ive know forever do the same things, no bodys really changed no matter what they say. All the same bullshit spred thiner or thicker to pretend there lives had less meaning back then when they were "kids". Strange I always thought of myself as behind everyone, I used to watch these people, my so called friends and enemies tripping over the people around them trying so hard to strive for some goal or rather the goal of doing nothing at all. Whats worse : Doing nothing or Doing everything? You fumble for the chance to prove you can be better to not only yourself but every one around you...but the sick truth is that your the same person running in place. Doing the same things youve always done, thinking the same. Chance your apperience and it wont make a diffrence, change your perspective? and be afraid for a new world that your not ready for. Whats worse: To try and fail or to never strive to succed and never fail?
So I also got the privlage of seeing Marlise today breifly. Im so glad, she reminds me of leafy alot...good company always makes me happy. Its not the same....Is that sick? Im not trying to replace her jsut the feeling of safeness I get whenever Im around her. I suppose thats just silly. But marilse and me had a wonderful time so I suppose it doesnt matter.
Maybe Im scared...Maybe Ill fail...But I cant run anymore
Im changing
"She really needs to break and just give herself away...waiting for the day some one tell her shes going to be ok....in stead she lies in waiting for a breath of air to take her inside and leave her there"
( Fills Your Mind ) |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| blah blah blah |
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| 11:42pm 26/09/2005 |
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All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places - worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere - going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression - no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow - no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very, very...
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday - happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen - sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me - no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me - look right through me
And I find it? Mad World
Enlarge your world
Mad World
...God help me |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Nothing was as real as her imaginary world |
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| 09:34am 26/09/2005 |
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mood:  confused
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Exausted...Me and Brit are both Wineos haha. Dinner with Skye and Brit. Attempted movie that failed (story later). Annoyed Mertz at work and ate everywhere we went haha. Anyways I have work so Ill update later...Im feeling really bad latley...I really miss my friends, all of them.
"Im afraid Im going to forget the sound of your voice"
...well its later all right
( Wineos ) |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Cause were the ones that fight the good fight in the darkness of the night youll find me there |
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| 12:55pm 25/09/2005 |
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mood: happy music: I feel...something
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Every that was there are the only people that matter to me right now, with some few exceptions. I found out who my real friends are and...I had a blast. I had a HAPPY birthday ::Smiles:: I cant describe how happy last night made me. So with !PictureFanomonons! hehe It will be documented. Heres to amazing people and amazing nights...Heres to the nights we felt alive.
WTF this woman stole harry potter and gave him a love potion!!?? this world is so fucked UP?!! No harry no fight it fight it!?!>!?
Click here to watch '8Bitches167'
I wonder why we listen to poets
When nobody gives a fuck
How hot and sorrowful
This machine begs for luck
All my lies are always wishes
I know I would die if I could come back new
I want a good life
With a nose for things
A fresh wind and bright sky
To enjoy my suffering
A hole without a key
If I break my tongue
Speaking of tomorrow
How will it ever come?
( Happiest (18) Birthday ) |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| Somehow all my peices fell together... |
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| 09:10am 24/09/2005 |
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mood: touched music: the people in my head...shh
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So my birthday like always started out horrible. I got woken up after only an hours sleep at 5 30 in the morning! to screaming cas aparently my lil brother and sister were not going to school. SIGH So after my mothers mini mental breakdown and rocking and crying and me sitting there numb trying to make sense of it all, Went to work and shoping for food for the party tonite. Day got worse with the stress and then better. Alice and me and Adam went to go see Corspe Bride and it was good, but sad, so if you wanna see I receomend being stoned or somthing cas the singing and colors are amazing but its sorta sad. I ran into AJ and he rock me hardcore I missed him sooo much! Then home to pretend I was still awake and lots and lots of food later we all died happily EVER after the end- Oh and Rob showed up...my bother who I never see showed up with flowers ::smiles::
( Happy Birthday )
On another note this is my amazing shout out to all the friends (in no particular order!) that made my actually birthday DAY special...thank you soo much you have no idea what it ment to me to see a comment or call or Instant message just letting me know you cared, I know its totally corney but I so needed it.
Alethea
Anjuli
Denise
Amanda
Mandy
Rachel
Fany
Maria
Mel
Stephine
Dawn
Marlise
Daniele
Jillian
Tiffany R
Mike
Elise
Erin
Amber
Kristen K
Kristen
Michele
Stephine P
Alice
Larsen |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| Hmmmmm Bite Me? |
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| 12:02am 23/09/2005 |
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mood: content music: Good Charlotte
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?Happy? ?Birthday?
Im just hoping that this birthday doesnt end up like every other birthday <3
But Ladies and Gents its offical! Im Legal Bitches haha! The one and only 18. |
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blackartist's journal
bitchy
This makes me laugh and makes me really really happy haha is that sick? no its not its great! so ENJOY! <33